It’s easy to love your kids. It’s much harder to talk with them. Watching the Connect with Kids programs takes the pressure off.

Wednesday, August 6th, 2008

| CWK Producer

Ten years ago, Brenda Smith and her husband adopted two children from an orphanage in Russia – Julia and Andy.

 “They’re kind of our angels,” Julie, now 14, recalls. ”Like, they’ve come to save us.”

Andy, 13, says he was excited about the move to America.

“It wasn’t really hard for me to adjust,” he says. “I was pretty happy to come.”

But it was an adjustment. Even long months after the adoption, his mother says it was a struggle.

“Communication was difficult,” says Smith. “There was no way to kind of enforce discipline because there was nothing we could ever do as parents that compared to what happened to them in the orphanage.”

 There were other problems as well.

“Their lack of ever having anything on their own caused them to just grab and steal anything they could from other children, from the restaurant, from the store,” she recalls. “The kids were just wild. They wouldn’t calm down. It was overload for both of us. And in my darkest moment I thought, ‘We’re gonna have to put them in foster care because it’s destroying us.’”

In fact, a new study by the University of Minnesota finds that adopted children are more likely to have psychological and behavioral disorders during adolescence than other children.

Experts say sometime it can take months, even years, for adopted children to believe they are safe.

“They come to new families with less of a sense of trust, with more of a sense of fear and less confidence in themselves, and so they’re more likely to be more angry, more afraid and sadder,” says family therapist and licensed social worker Linda Weiskoff.

Weiskoff says the key is patience, understanding and sometimes therapy. Also, parents should know some children may be grieving the loss of their former lives.

“[They may be grieving] the loss of people who are familiar, perhaps the loss of their town or perhaps the loss of a particular lifestyle,” she says. ”It’s important for a new parent not to be threatened by that but to really let their child know that they are very interested in all of their feelings, even if they’ve loved other people and even if they’re having a hard time and feel bad coming into the family.”

In the end, what helped Andy and Julia feel secure is the same thing that helps every child.

“Really, love, “ says Julia. “We didn’t get much love [in the orphanage].”

“I agree with Julia,” says Andy. “It was love.”

Looking back, the teens’ mother says, “It was worth it because they are such a blessing.”

Tips for Parents

Adoption can be hard on the parents too.  According to The New England Journal of Medicine, 13 percent of new mothers have such strong feelings of sadness, anxiety and despair that they are unable to cope with their daily tasks. This type of stress, known as postpartum depression (PPD), is still relatively misunderstood and its exact cause is unknown. And new studies are showing the depression isn’t limited to birth mothers … it can also affect adoptive mothers as well. Experts at Safer Child, Inc., say that the following factors may signal that a mother is at a higher risk of developing postpartum or post-adoptive depression:

• Exhaustion
• Overwhelming home or work conditions (including death in family, job change, layoff, a move, etc.)
• Personal or family history of depression or other mental problems
• Unrealistic expectations (including tendencies toward perfectionism)
• Baby who is sick, colicky or has other problems
• Little or no support from spouse, family members or friends
• Isolation
• Personal or family history of abuse, physical or emotional abandonment and/or neglect

According to Depression After Delivery, Inc., (DAD), depression symptoms and complications may occur days after receiving the child or they may appear gradually over time. A mother suffering from post-adoptive depression may experience the following symptoms:

• Sluggishness, fatigue and exhaustion
• Sadness, depression and hopelessness
• Appetite and sleep disturbances
• Poor concentration or confusion
• Memory loss
• Overconcern for the baby
• Uncontrollable crying or irritability
• Feelings of guilt, inadequacy or worthlessness
• Lack of interest in the baby
• Fear of harming the baby or oneself
• Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
• Exaggerated highs and/or lows
• Lack of interest in sex
• Insomnia
• Intrusive thoughts

Currently, doctors can successfully treat depression with medications, therapy or a combination of both, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Counseling may be all that is needed for women with mild symptoms.

Most women experience stress after adopting a child. While this may not develop into a serious problem, such as post-adoptive depression, a mother’s stress can still affect her family and her child. In order to prevent your stress from harming your child, the American Academy of Family Physicians offers the following advice for managing your stress:

• Find someone to talk to, and tell that person about your feelings.
• Get in touch with people who can help you with childcare, household chores and errands. This social support network will help you find time for yourself so you can rest.
• Find time to do something for yourself, even if it’s only 15 minutes a day. Try reading, exercising (walking is good for you and easy to do), taking a bath or meditating.
• Keep a diary. Every day, write down your emotions and feelings as a way of “letting it all out.” Once you begin to feel better, you can go back and reread your diary, which will help you see how much better you are.
• Even if you can only get one thing done in any given day, this is a step in the right direction. There may be days when you can’t get anything done. Try not to get angry with yourself when this happens.
• It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Adopting a child brings many changes, and parenting is challenging. When you’re not feeling like yourself, these changes can seem like too much with which to cope.
• You’re not expected to be a “supermom.” Be honest about how much you can do, and ask other people to help you.
• Find a support group in your area so that you can talk with others who have experienced post-adoptive depression.
• Talk with your doctor about how you feel. He/she may offer counseling and/or medicines that can help.

References

• University of Minnesota
• The New England Journal of Medicine
• American Academy of Family Physicians

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